One Day at a Time

I don't mean for this blog to go down such a melancholy path, but I literally don't know where else to vent my feelings.  And, honestly, there's little else on my mind. 

I've been trying to stay busy.  It helps.  Work is a good distraction.  I can't think about this horrible thing that has happened while I'm working with the kids at school.  Downtime is not my friend.  I literally try to find something to do from the time I wake-up, until the time I go to sleep.  The tv is on, I'm listening to music, I'm cleaning the house, walking the dog, reading a book, or doing any number of other things.  When my mind is still, I go to that dark place.... so I try not to let my mind be blank.  It doesn't always work, but it helps. 

I feel like I can't even describe the loss that I feel.  After waiting 14 months to finally get pregnant, it was everything I hoped it would be.  We didn't have to go through the monthly roller coaster anymore.  We didn't have to have sex on a schedule anymore.  We had a fantastic due date (for a teacher anyway).  It's like everything finally fell into place after all.that.waiting. 

And now it's gone.  Just gone.  It seems so incredibly unfair.  And I have no one to blame, no one to point the finger at.  Because it's no one's fault.  It's just one of those horrible, horrible things that happens.  There is no reason.  There is no reasoning.  It just is.

I know a loss at any point is heart wrenching, but losing the baby after three good ultrasounds.  After hearing the heartbeat just three days before losing the baby.  Thinking we were "out of the woods" and cruising towards second-tri.  We were literally three days from going public with our pregnancy.... losing the baby after all that.  I have no words.  I had no warning.  I had no warning signs.  My pregnancy was perfect.  Until it wasn't. 

I haven't figured how to wrap my mind around the unbelievable unfairness of it yet.

And the damn spotting needs to stop.  Seriously.  I need at least one thing to go back to normal.