What is Wrong With Me?

Seriously?

I always have a day (or two) of moping leading up to/around my period.  For me, there's always a grieving process of another failed cycle.  But, we're days past that now and I'm still feeling blue.  I can't seem to pick myself fully out of my funk.  I hate feeling like this, but also feel incapable of doing anything about it.

This weekend was harder than I thought.  I love my brother and SIL.  And I can't express how unbelievably happy I am for them.  Or how excited I am to meet my nephew.  But, seeing her, 7 months pregnant, celebrating with their friends and seeing all the adorable baby things they received hit me harder than I thought.  It's not about them being pregnant, it's about me not being pregnant.  They started their TTC journey months after us and will (most likely) have an outside baby before we even get pregnant.  I just felt the loss of that very acutely this weekend. 

So, I came home yesterday emotional, cramping, and gearing for a fight.  A bad combination for my husband.  By the end of the evening, and me sniping at him over painting the basement, we sat down to talk about everything that has been going on lately.  I expressed that I've been feeling very alone on this journey.  It isn't that my husband doesn't want this as badly, or thinks about it any less, but he's not great at sharing those thoughts/feelings with me.  I explained how I felt like I was doing all the grunt work of our IF journey (calling doctors, arranging appointments, discussing options) and he just had to show up at the end and, literally, do his thing.  I told him I needed him to talk to me more about this journey and also be sensitive about baby/pregnancy related news (In the past two months we've had two friends share their pregnancies via a FB thread my husband has with several close friends.  His way of telling me was to say, "Hey, guess who's pregnant?!"  I found this a less than fantastic way of sharing the news as it immediately made my heart clench thinking.... who got pregnant before us now?).  Anyway, talking it out really did help, but honestly I need to see changes in the way he communicates with me before I'll feel 100% secure moving forward.

Today, I'm currently waiting on a return call from my RE's office.  With the arrival of my period over the weekend, we'll definitely be out of town for CD12 monitoring.  I left a message with my wonder nurse to see if the Dr. approves a delayed start of Clomid.  We'll see, though.  If it's a no go, we'll push everything back another cycle.  At the very least when she calls back I'll be scheduling my HSG and husband's SA.  So, I guess, at the very least, we're taking a few steps forward.

Now, I just need to get over my stupid lousy mood.