Today is not a good day.
I'm sad today. Or sad may not be the word. Maybe it's better to say my heart is heavy today? I don't know. Does it really matter? I suppose not.
I'm at a point today where the weight of the past year is pressing down on me. I'm at a point where I'm feeling ridiculously sorry for myself since we weren't able to conceive naturally. Moving forward, we will be using medications and interventions. I think there's a bit of a grieving process for that and I'm going through it today.
At this point, I think it's obvious there is something not right with one or both of us. There is some obstacle that is thwarting our efforts. Obviously, until we finish our testing we won't know what that is, but in my heart, I know we will find something. I'm sad for that. I'm sad that even though we love each other, even though we want to create a baby in that love, we can't. My heart hurts for that loss. I haven't given up having a baby. I'm just having to give up having a baby this way.
And, to add to today, it looks as though my period is coming sooner rather than later. Normally, I wouldn't care. We're moving forward with treatments, right? Well, maybe. If my period comes a day before next Tuesday, we won't be. We're going on vacation the first week of July. If my period comes on Tuesday, we'll be back on CD12 for my monitoring appointment. If my period happens sooner, we'll be gone for that appointment. Which means the whole process will be delayed another cycle (and the shortest my cycle has been since TTC is 35 days). If it happens, I'll have no choice, but I don't want to wait anymore.
Right or wrong, this is how I feel today. I know tomorrow will be better. I know we'll figure out a way to make this okay, I know we'll be okay. So for now I'll swallow down my sad, pick up my chin and bluster through the day. I'm painting the basement for the rest of the afternoon. I hope busy hands will help quiet down my mind. Guess we'll see.
I think all of us struggling with TTC have these days. I also think that it's ok to feel sad about the situation -- its unfair, its heartbreaking, its frustrating -- let yourself grieve.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, there are some days I just don't know how I can even get up. But if we move forward, the reward (the baby) is so so so worth it.
I hope AF holds off for a few more days. ::hugs sun::
Sorry you're having such a rough day, Sun. It's a lot to process, that this might not happen the way I'm sure you've envisioned it happening. Let yourself feel crummy today, you have something to grieve, but like you said, tomorrow is a new day. I hope AF shows up as expected so you don't have to delay treatment another cycle. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteOh honey. I wish I could hug you right now. Those bad IF days really suck. It's like you know you're depressed and sad but nothing you do can claw you're way out of the feeling.
ReplyDeleteI had that moment too once. Mine was over a box of lucky charms not fitting in my cabinet. That's when I broke down and accepted the IF. Strangely it was after my Lap and testing. It was like I was moving forward with all of those requirements but wasn't accepting my diagnosis or IF future. I think we all have to have that moment in order to move on.
There will be other bad IF days. But, just know that me and a lot of other ladies love you and will help in any way possible. We understand how you're feeling and what you're feeling is completely natural. Hugs!!!
((hugs)) Wish we were closer. I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. We've all had those days. I've had many days like that.
ReplyDeleteTreat yourself to something special or indulge in some yummy dessert. You know there are so many of us if you ever want to talk and vent. <3
I feel for you, Sun, and hope you feel better soon. You really put your finger on it in your post: IF sucks. Some days are horrible. But there's always tomorrow, a chance for new hope. Hang in there and I hope AF is punctual. It's bad enough that she has to come around at all, but it adds insult to injury when she's not on time.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are having a bad IF day. I definitely know how you feel. I hope tomorrow will be better for you but until then, be gentle with yourself and do what you need to do to get through it. Sending you virtual hugs and strength.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are having a bad day. Do something nice for yourself.
ReplyDeleteSending you Huge hugs and positive thoughts.
IF sucks and there are good days and bad days but hopefully you will have some answers soon.
<3 you.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
ReplyDelete