I'm Out

14dpo.

BFFN.

I honestly have no words for the negative emotions coursing through my mind and heart right now.  I know I shouldn't have put so much hope in this first treatment cycle, but I couldn't help it.  I can't help but be optimistic, to wish/pray/believe, that finally, finally, we will get to the light at the end of tunnel.

But we didn't.  We're not.  We're just sitting in the dark.  And boy is it a dark place to be.

I can't explain what IF does to you.  Unless you've been there, you can't understand.  I can't explain what a loss does to you.  Unless you've been there, you can't understand.  But combine the two?  Let's just say it's a level of hell that I wouldn't wish on anyone.  Because it just hurts too damn much. 

I need a break.  A break from living, thinking, and breathing this process. 

I think I need to exercise radio silence for a little while.