Dark Days

I'm in a dark place today.  I try not to let it happen often.... but I'm in deep today. 

It's that horrible waiting period.  Not waiting to O.  Not even the 2WW.  It's the tail end of the 2WW when you know you're out for the cycle, but since CD1 isn't quite here yet, you can't really move on.  Not yet.  I do think of CD1 as a new beginning (It's actually a release.  I can move forward and not have to think about the TTC process for a few weeks).

But this.

This is a horrible limbo world.  And the worst part is, I didn't even get the chance to hope this cycle.  Normally my body starts giving me pre-AF symptoms around 9 or 10dpo.  My CM darkens, I feel bloated, and eventually I brown spot, which leads to red spotting and ultimately AF.  But this cycle, full blown brown spotting on 6dpo.  No lead up, no nothing.  Just brown yuck.  I wasn't even in my, "could this be our cycle?" worrying because it was too early.  I didn't even get to enjoy the hopeful possibility of being pregnant this cycle.  I got nothing.  I had to wait 24 days to even ovulate and then six days after it's all over.

I am not pregnant. 

I am not pregnant after 7 months and 6 cycles of humping it out like rabbits, taking my temp daily, peeing on countless sticks, watching my body's signals, and hours spending hoping, wishing, and praying.  Seriously.  This sucks.