Today on the "Waiting to O" thread, the GTKY question was "What (if anything) has changed about you since TTC?". It really got me thinking. What has changed? I answered the question in the thread vaguely, something like, "Everything has changed." But seriously....everything has changed. The last seven months have changed the way I look at certain aspects of my life.
Let's start with the obvious - thinking about my cycle (we're talking the temping/chart, having well timed sex, using OPKs, ect). Honestly, I actually don't think about this process most of the time. But I do think about it, (almost) obsessively, during certain parts of my cycle. The days leading up to O and from about 5dpo until AF, I become a crazy nut case. I analyzing everything. Every twinge, ache, change in CM, and temp change makes me a ridiculous person. It's short lived, but a whirlwind nonetheless.
In less obvious ways, I'm different as well. I know now I will never ask another couple when/if they are going to have a baby, another baby, or for that matter if/when they are going to get engaged or married. I know people mean well, but it is such an insensitive question. And unless we are really close, none of their (or I guess in this example, my) damn business. I've also learned that I'm not as patient or as strong as I used to think. I honestly think I could handle knowing it was going to take a year to TTC if I knew it at the beginning. If I knew the date, even if it was sometime in the future, I think I could handle it. I could turn off the 'what ifs' and focus on the now. if I knew our BFP was coming, it just wasn't time yet. But, the unknown waiting every month of TTC is slowly eroding who I used to be. My patience and strength are waning quickly.
And I know in the grand scheme of things seven months isn't that long of a TTC journey. And I know there are many ladies on the board who have been trying longer than us. But, this journey is hard. Really hard. And unfortunately, I still feel the board isn't the place to come when you're feeling down about the TTC journey. We flame people who come and are complaining when they've only been trying for a few months. But, deep down, I feel their pain. We've all been there, and it is a long (sometimes lonely) journey.
Anyway. There's my ramble for the day. Make of it what you will. Here's hoping 2013 has some amazing things in store for us.
Hey there, stumbled here from a post on TB a while ago (I'm not super active there, I'm CaitBlum). I've been reading your blog and we seem very like-minded. We're on cycle 7 ourselves. I'm not temping, but got my first round of OPKs today.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that I'm cheering for you and am hoping to read about your BFP soon. Sorry to creep on your blog!
I can totally relate to this post. Especially this part: "the unknown waiting every month of TTC is slowly eroding who I used to be." I knew going in that it could take time but I had no idea how emotionally and physically demanding the process would be, and how it would wear me down as time went on.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with you about TB not being the most comforting place (I'm spacepotatoes on TB). I go for entertainment and info but when I'm feeling really down, I tend to stay away. I'm in month 6 now and there are some days when I don't care that it's not that long because it's still frustrating to ME.
Thanks for posting this. You are definitely not alone.
@CaitBlum - Thanks for your positive thoughts, I really appreciate it. And creepers are always welcome ;)
ReplyDelete@Spacepotatoes - Thanks. It definitely helps to know that there are other ladies out there having the same struggles and frustrations.
Thank you for posting this, I am right there with you. I especially love the part about being able to live in the now if you at least knew the date of when it was going to happen. I can relate to that.
ReplyDeleteI know there are a ton of people on TB (I'm TrueBlue12) who've been TTC longer than me and I have to give them credit for being as strong as they are, but I hate that I feel like I can't vent or be sad/frustrated over my own journey because someone has been trying longer than I have.
Keep the posts coming!!
Just another "I hear you". TB can be good for lots of things, but it's frustrating that you're told to suck it up whenever you're feeling down. Was honestly thinking a weekly "Pity Party" post might be in order similar to the 2ww thread.
ReplyDeleteGlad I popped over to your blog via your sig. Will continue to creep. :)
I'm totally lurkin' like a lurkin' lurker here, I noticed your blog from TB. I can relate so much to what you write about. I just read your other post about your SIL being pregnant (after reading the one where you thought she WAS pregnant). It hit close to home…I recently thought my sis was pregnant, and in this ‘relationship’ (if you can call it that) with this deadbeat creep (her type), and it would've been a huge accident on their part. I was so upset by the idea that she was pregnant, not only because she would be tied to this loser forever, but because I so selfishly wanted it to be me. Ugh. Later I found out she wasn't, but I still feel terrible about my feelings in that moment. Anyway, I also agree with your comments on TB. I do feel for those who have been stuck on TTGP for way too long. I can't even imagine how they feel month after month. And even in that thought, I'm selfishly thinking "I hope that's not me in a year." We've been trying on and off since June, but my plans were interrupted with a surgery that I was so pissed I had to have. After I’m recovering, I found out yet another close friend was pregnant. All I could think of was “I thought I would be at this point.” I realize there are plenty of others who have been trying over a year, but it really is hard even at just a few months. Anyway, I’m going to keep checking in your posts. You have inspired me to possibly start my own blog. Thanks!
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