I wrote this entry a couple days ago. I went to school in the morning and I just couldn't get myself out of my own head. It was a bad TTC morning. Several days, and a bit of perspective later, I'm back to my normal self. However, I felt the need to post this entry as I wrote it that day.
This process is wearing me down. So slowly I hardly notice it day to day. But it's there. Every day, piece by piece is chipped away, as I become less and less like the woman I used to be. I'm not sure how much more I can handle emotionally. 9 months. 9 months is a long damn time. If we had gotten lucky our first month trying, we'd be almost there. I'd be days away from holding our baby.
Instead.... instead, we're still at the beginning. Still hoping, wishing, and praying that this month will be our lucky month. Hoping this month will be different than the ones before it. Each month I keep looking forward, I put my chin up, and I keep going (Because, honestly, what other choice do I have?). But today I can't look forward. I can't be positive. I am not hopeful that this is going to happen anytime soon for us. Each time I see that stark white HPT I feel inadequate. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Or him. Or both of us. Logically I know it can take a year.... emotionally I'm ready for answers. I want to know what is going on. I want an answer that may or may not exist.
When is it going to be our turn? WHEN?
It's the same horrible loop in my head. Over and over. Yes, I have hobbies. Yes, I stay busy. It just doesn't seem to matter. My head goes on and on by itself, regardless of the task occupying me. I think I need a break. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually.
I just can't do this anymore.
I'm sorry Sun. I'm glad you're feeling better since writing that.
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate. Moving on to cycle 9 has been really tough on me. I'm on CD 6 now and feeling better than I was earlier in the week, but I still feel like I'm in a rut. I'm glad you're feeling better now. Hopefully you won't have to do this for much longer.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Sun, but I am happy you are feeling better.
ReplyDeleteI had to step away from the forums as I found it was causing me more anxiety during this process. I found that when I back away, I focus on other things in my life other than the constant reminder of trying to get KU.
This brought tears to my eyes :-( I hope it gets better.
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies. I'm definitely feeling better, it was just one of those dark moments. This process is hard and I can't pretend (even here on the blog) that it's not. This whole TTC journey has been longer, stressful and one day (I hope) more rewarding than I ever imagined. Here's hoping it happens soon. For all of us.
ReplyDeleteAw, sun I am sorry you feel this way. I do understand why you posted this though. I think it's nice to have a place where you can just be completely honest about how you feel, even if that changes shortly after. Glad you are feeling a bit better now.
ReplyDeleteThis is our 9th month of trying too. I had similar thoughts going into this month. It hasn't been the easiest month but I'm hoping one day soon it'll all be worth it!
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