Guilty

So I have some.  Guilt that is. 

Backstory.  In late October, I went to visit my brother with my parents.  My brother and SIL had been training to run the Chicago marathon and we went up to cheer them on that weekend.  While we were up there I had a few quiet moments with my brother and SIL (who know we are TTC).  They asked how things were going for us and I asked when they were thinking of trying (they had previously mentioned they were going to wait until after the marathon to start).  They let it slip that they would have to see at the end of the month if anything had accidentally happened, but they hadn't started trying yet.

Fast forward to Friday night.  We had some friends over and invited my brother and SIL.  Do you see where this is going?  Yeah... so, my SIL didn't have a drop of alcohol.  All night.  Yeah, I'm a creeper and noticed.  My SIL isn't a huge drinker, and appeared to be DD for the night, but still.  She almost always has one drink.  So of course my baby addled brain immediately assumes their accidental month must have been successful.

The next day, Saturday night, was Thanksgiving at my parents.  So of course, I'm immediately look to see what my SIL is drinking.  Cut dramatic music to --- water.  Then, later cranberry juice.  At this point I'm having an inner battle.  I want to be happy for them.  I really do.  I'm even playing out in my head how I'll react when they tell us.  But, in my secret horrible place, I'm not.  I'm devastated.  I can't help but feel left out and somehow deficient since we've been actively trying for six months, and they have one oops month and instantly get pregnant.  Also, I just wanted to be first.  I wanted to announce my pregnancy first.  Oh, that sounds even worse as I type it than it did in my head.  But, it's true.  My brother is two years younger than me but got married a year before we did.  I just, selfishly, wanted to have a first.  I really want to have the first grandbaby.  Actually it would be the first on DH's and my side.

Later in the evening, my SIL picks up a glass of wine, and had a second before the evening was over.  So, not pregnant.  And honestly?  I felt relieved.  I know it's a horrible moment for me, but it's true.  I know their getting pregnant has no bearing on our getting pregnant, but I just.... well, yeah. 

So that's my dark confession for the weekend.  I hope, in the future, to be more graceful and genuinely happy when their time comes.  I know they would be for us.