Being A Mom Isn't Always Easy

We are now six weeks in to life with our little man.  It has been the longest, and simultaneously slowest, of my life.  I can see how they say, "The days are long, but the years are short.". We are finding something of a groove, though.  I no longer question if I can care for this little guy.  I KNOW I can.

However, there were some dark days at the beginning. I didn't want to talk about it at the time, but very soon after O's birth, I began dealing with symptoms of post partum depression and anxiety.  I had severe anxiety about being alone all day.  I worried about O getting on a schedule (yes, I freaked about getting my two week old on a perfect schedule).  I cried as soon as H got home from work.  I wasn't eating.  I wasn't sleeping.  I couldn't even fully enjoy seeing my brother, SIL, and nephew when they came in town because I was so up in my own head.  It was not a good thing.  I was able to step back and know what I was feeling was just the hormones. That it wasn't me.  But, I couldn't reign in or control it. The feelings were taking over. It was a scary feeling.

So, after talking to H and my mom, I felt it was time to talk to my OB.  Thankfully he listened to my random babblings while tears ran down my face.  He told me that what I was feeling was completely normal.  He suggested a medication to help bring my emotions back to normal.  He said he had good results with it in the past and didn't take as long to see results as other medications.

And he was right.  It took about a week, but I slowly started to feel like myself again.  Are things still hard? Yes.  Am I still exhausted most days?  Oh, yes.  Do I sometimes count down the moments until H gets home? Yes, and sometimes

I immediately hand him little man.  But, I'm myself again.  I know I can get myself and O through the day.  My emotions and thoughts aren't running the show anymore.

I felt the need to write this post because I feel like PPD/PPA is another of those "shove it under the rug" topics.  Most don't openly talk about it, but it's very real.  My emotions had gotten to the point that I felt like we had made the biggest mistake of our lives.  A "mistake" we had worked two long, hard years to conceive. (Obviously those thoughts are not me, which is why it was so important I spoke up and got help.). 

The journey to motherhood wasn't easy.  Being a mother hasn't been easy.  But is it worth it?  Absolutely.  This little guy is worth every moment.